New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
The morning after pill, but for tweets
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.