If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
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“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Mad Max: Furry Road
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Just a phase…
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.