Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Happy Thanksgiving
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
classic mixup
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,