Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”