Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.