My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
A game married people play.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.