#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
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One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren鈥檛 already fed up with each other enough as it is
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I鈥檓 no longer allowed at the morgue
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Today鈥檚 weather from Yorkshire
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there鈥檚 gluten in it.
I鈥檓 raising an evil genius.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can鈥檛 be the only one watering things around here!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You don鈥檛 have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
馃檯馃徎
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Amazed that my wife didn鈥檛 tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My dating profile: