Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Doctors texting each other.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.