Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.