I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
You Might Also Like
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically