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Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Weirdly Wednesday.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
It’s an epidemic…
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”