You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
called in thicc to work this morning
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”