We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
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modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”