Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations