*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts