Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.