I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I hope it’s French Onion!
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.