I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
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If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Just me and my debit card against the world
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago