in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
This headline is a thing of beauty
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Bobby pin
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
mentally somewhere in italy
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.