You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
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Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?