The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Banking tips
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
be careful
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know