If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.