I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
bias laundering edition
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?