“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
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We decided to have money instead of children.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
hmm conte-me mais
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.