My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
The best shot in the history of golf
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.