Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
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SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*power walks to the refrigerator*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”