6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores