13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
a badder mouse
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.