me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?