Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.