my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Siri: Retweet me.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
normalize having existential bread
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.