This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
not for long
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.