George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Bring back the McRib
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Netflix and you sit over there.