Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.