Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!