That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey