*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
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Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.