Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea