My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You Might Also Like
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.