An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?