The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*