Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
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ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Going into Monday like
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
this is the greatest thing ever
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”