Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.