Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Goat cheese is for herders.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri