Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO