What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.