Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
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Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.