My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
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I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.