Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above