I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I can’t be the only one 😂